Turn me into a non-binary person!
Perhaps you hadn't realized that you even could be non-binary. Maybe you don't feel like that quite yet. Or maybe you even feel like you're not good enough to be non-binary.
Don't worry about it too much! It is natural to have reservations about this. Here are some frequent newbie objections you may have:
But I don’t feel non-binary! That’s OK, and it doesn’t change the fact that you could be non-binary inside. It’s totally normal not to feel like you’re non-binary all the time. If you feel depressed or anxious because you don’t feel non-binary but you wish you did, that feeling is called gender dysphoria, and we have some resources to help you manage this feeling below.
But just because I want to be non-binary doesn’t mean that I actually can be non-binary! As a fundamental truth, we hold that only you can truly know what your gender is, and what it means to you. Other people can assume based on their standards, but you hold the final say on your own gender. This means that nobody but you can truly determine whether you’re non-binary, your agab, or anything else. If there’s any part of you that wants to be non-binary, that could mean that you’re not comfortable with the gender you were assigned at birth. Please take a while to sit with that feeling and learn what it’s trying to tell you. Be what you wish you could be.
But I’m too old to be non-binary! Nobody’s too old to transition into a non-binary person’s life. People at the ages of 8, 28, and 80 have transitioned to live successful, fulfilling lives as non-binary people. The best time to start would have been when you were younger, but the second best time is today. You owe this to yourself no matter where and when you start from.
But else nobody will ever see me as non-binary! I’ll never pass! Looking like a non-binary person according to society's standards is a skill that you can learn and practice. You’ll get better at learning what works for you and what doesn’t. Until you get the hang of it, focus on yourself! Just start with what makes you feel comfortable. Moreover, you don’t need to “look non-binary” to be non-binary, nor is there a correct way to “look non-binary”! The non-binary identity is a spectrum rather than a single gender, and there’s no one way a non-binary person is meant to present. As you go outside the binary of gender, feel free to go outside the binary of gendered presentation.
But I don’t have the right to be non-binary! Everyone has the right to live as the gender that makes them the happiest in terms of roles / expressions in society. There’s no inherent value toward being non-binary, just as there’s no inherent value in being your agab. The only person who benefits or is harmed by living as a non-binary person is you, so please don’t let yourself live as a martyr for society’s sake. We just want you to feel comfortable in your own skin. There’s nothing wrong with that.
I don’t know if I want to be non-binary or if I just don’t want to be my agab! That’s totally fine. Maybe you might not be sure whether you’re drawn toward the idea of being non-binary, or if you just want to avoid the traits of your agab. You don’t have to have all the answers yet. Just guide yourself toward whatever helps you feel more comfortable. If you find yourself feeling alienated by your agab’s traits but not necessarily attracted to the idea of being non-binary, you could be a binary trans man or woman. That’s totally okay! This particular page centers the experiences of non-binary people, but you’re valid no matter how you identify. Maybe your answer might even change later as you come to understand yourself a little better.
This is so stupid! What difference could a game on a website make? You’re right. We can’t magically alter your body or your memories over the Internet. But that’s not the point. We can’t make you wish you were non-binary, but we can help you re-discover any pre-existing wish if you have one, and we can give you some advice to help you connect with that wish and nurture it if you want. Your wish to be non-binary is what matters in the end. Not some silly website game. Think about it this way: if you were secure living as your assigned gender, you’d be completely immune to all of this. You’d read this page, laugh, forget about it, and simply move on with your life. But if this sticks in your mind, sit with that feeling a little until you can understand what it’s trying to tell you.
But I’m not sure if I want to be non-binary or if I’m just envious / jealous! What’s the difference? If you’re envious or jealous of the way non-binary people present themselves, relate to others, or live their lives, that jealousy itself could be trying to tell you something. Take a moment to consider what that might mean for you. It’s common for non-binary people who are just starting out to feel jealous of their more confident colleagues and peers.
But I’m not gay / straight / bisexual / asexual / etc! That’s OK. Your gender and your sexual orientation are completely separate; they have nothing to do with each other. This is probably the hardest part for cis folks to understand: being trans doesn’t mean you’re gay, straight, or anything else. It is somewhat common for folks to repress sexual orientation at the same time as they repress their own gender identity, but we know trans folks who date men, women, nonbinary folks, anybody, or no one at all. It’s all totally fine.
But being trans is a trend! If it is a trend, it’s a very old one. Trans people have existed throughout all times in all cultures but haven’t enjoyed mainstream support and consciousness until very recently. In the 500s, Anastasia the Patrician fled life in the court of Justinian I in Constantinople to spend twenty-eight years (until death) dressed as a male monk in Egypt, coming to be viewed by some today as a transgender saint. Coptic texts from that era (the fifth to ninth centuries), like texts from around Europe, tell of many female-assigned people transitioning to live as men; in one, a monastic named Hilaria (child of Zeno) dresses as a man, brings about a reduction in breast size and cessation of menstruation through asceticism, and comes to be accepted by fellow monks as a male, Hilarion, and by some modern scholars as trans; the story of Marinos (Marina), another Byzantine, who became a monk in Lebanon, is similar. The Jewish philosopher Kalonymous ben Kalonymous wrote about the desire to be a girl in the 14th century. An earlier example from the third century is the Roman Emperor, Elagabalus. According to (Denny, 2013), Elagabalus “... was described as having been ‘delighted to be called the mistress, the wife, the queen of Hierocles’ and was reported to have offered vast sums of money to any physician who could equip him with female genitalia.” Prior to western contact, some Native American tribes had third-gender roles like the Diné (Navajo) nádleehi and the Zuni lhamana.
But I never showed any signs during childhood! While some non-binary people may have known they were non-binary from a very early age, it’s also very common to repress one’s own identity. It’s also extraordinarily common for signs to be present, but hidden until some hindsight well into adulthood. Many non-binary people never showed any signs until age 20, 40, 60, or even older. Often some seemingly inconsequential event might bring those repressed feelings forward, and that’s totally okay. If you’re a late bloomer, don’t worry! You’re not any lesser than other non-binary people, you’re not an outsider, you’re just at the beginning of your path and there’s nothing wrong with that. The best time to plant a tree would have been twenty years ago, but the second best time is today.
But I don’t want to alter my body! Then don't! Nobody's saying you have to. It’s very common for non-binary people not to want to change their bodies, especially at first. It’s also common for some of these feelings to change over time. However, being non-binary has absolutely nothing at all to do with your body -- it’s your desire to be non-binary that makes you non-binary, nothing more and nothing less.
It seems nice, but I’m not completely certain I want to be non-binary! Nothing is permanent until you make it so; there is always a path back. Lots of us start with baby steps. It's okay to try something small, see how it feels, and then step back if it's not right for you. You’re absolutely valid, even if you don’t quite know what you want yet and even if you choose not to change anything about the way you express yourself. You don’t have to jump in and make huge irreversible changes right away. It’s totally okay to try some small reversible steps. If you later decide that something is not right for you, you can always back out, no matter where you are. As you continue on your path, you’ll begin to form a better idea of what you like and what you don’t.
But I don’t want to lose everything when I come out! Many non-binary people are worried about losing their jobs, their friends, or the support of their family. There is some legitimacy behind this concern: about half of trans people can expect to lose a friend, and about one in four have lost a job due to bias and discrimination. However, most non-binary people who transition are glad they did and feel much more connected and secure.